A Joke
by I Love Wendys
Summary: It wasn’t because they were your lips. It was whom they once belonged to.


A Joke

It wasn't because they were your lips. It was whom they once belonged to.

Disclaimer: I'm fully aware these characters aren't mine, blah blah. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the dialogue from Shizuma isn't word for word from the episode in question, so I was paraphrasing. But you know what I'm getting at.

When your lips attacked mine, I was many things. Happy was not one of them. Anger, hatred, surprise, sadness, jealousy, and almost every negative emotion that I could possible come up with entered my mind.

_You don't understand my feelings! You've never loved someone!_

How selfish you had been by kissing me. How dare you think for one second that this was about you. It always has to be you. Always. The world isn't spinning unless it's spinning around you. At least that's what you think. I have my own life, but no, I have to babysit you. I have to take care of you. I have to make excuses and lies and cover-ups for you. Every day I have to hand you everything on a silver platter. I'm surprised you don't have me doing your laundry and cleaning your dorm. No, I don't mean that. You would never do that to me. I do it because you're my best friend. Because I know you need me.

_Wait…you have loved someone. Who?_

What does it matter to you Shizuma? If it's not you, then who cares? Who am I kidding? I do love you. I love you so much, but I learned not to be like everyone else, not to fall in love with you. Luckily, I worked hard enough to not fall for you. I didn't want to be like everyone else, falling at your feet, willing to do anything to be with you. Yes, I love you. But there was someone else.

The moment your lips caught mine, for one moment, I hated you. I wasn't your best friend. I wasn't your aide or your confidant. I was a person filled with rage and envy. I slapped you. I never thought I could hate you, even for a minute. Yes, I've been bitter and jealous, occasionally cold and distant, but I've always stood by you. You're my best friend. But your obliviousness almost killed me. Almost killed by a kiss. I didn't think that was possible.

Two years ago I met a beautiful girl. Pale and fragile, beautiful and enchanting, I was smitten. I knew how weak she was, but I wanted nothing more than to give her a reason to live. I offered her anything that I could. Anything to make her feel welcome, anything to make her smile. I made a mistake introducing her to you so soon. I could've held off. I could've lied and kept her to myself. A room temp didn't have to be personal, she could've strictly been someone who came in and cleaned our room while you and I were in class. I fell for her sad eyes and ethereal smile. I adored the blush on her cheeks when I accidentally touched her breast the first time we met. Kaori. I smile sometimes when I think about clumsily tripping on the way into her dorm and touching her. I was afraid I might've hurt her, but she only laughed and blushed.

I felt the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach as we talked that first night. I never knew what it was like to feel so enamored with someone. I wonder, is this how people feel around you? When we had that tea party so late at night, and she grabbed your tea cup from your hand, I knew she was gone. Under your spell, Kaori no longer looked at me. She looked past me to see you. I saw the look in your eyes as you two talked all night like I wasn't there. I was jealous, but not enough to get upset with you, or to talk to you about it. Kaori was going to be just a fling like all the other younger girls you seduced. Maybe after you were done, she would be able to see me. But that never happened. You two fell honestly, desperately in love. It was the three of us, after that. No more Shizuma and Miyuki. It was plus one. Kaori. Eventually it became Shizuma and Kaori. Minus one. Me. I loved the both of you, and I knew I couldn't stand in the way of your love for one another. I got to know her just as well as I knew you in so short a time, and my enamored eyes eventually became loving eyes. I fell so hard for her, and sometimes I think maybe she knew. The few times you two got into fights, I was there for both of you. I wonder if it was selfish of me to place myself in the right position for her comfort though. I wasn't as willing to do so for you, and maybe I should've been.

And like the crybaby you accuse me of being, I sat in my room the night you two snuck out and I cried. For the first and only time, I didn't do my homework, I didn't talk to anybody, I didn't do anything, I cried. You weren't even there to comfort me in your somewhat twisted way. I missed you calling me a crybaby. I missed you, and I missed Kaori. When she passed, you were too wrapped up in your misery and self-loathing to see that I too was broken and shattered. Yet I comforted you the best I could, tried my hardest to make you happy. I helped with your work as the etoile, giving you leeway on your assignments, sometimes doing your homework for you, or telling the teachers how ill you were to keep you from being forced back into class. I still do it.

I've never held a grudge against you Shizuma. Yes, I was jealous at times, yes I hurt when I saw you two cuddling up to one another or kissing. But I never hated you, and I never hated Kaori. I wasn't meant to be with her in her final days, to make her happy, it was you who got that loving role. But then your lips touched mine. How dare you taunt me with the lips Kaori once lavished her love upon? How dare you insinuate my hidden feelings were for you? You never even cared to find out who they were truly for. You didn't even know I had them until today. It's been two years, and you haven't noticed until now. What kind of friend are you Shizuma?

I loved her. And you never knew. You'll never know. You'll just assume it was about you and you'll go on with your life. You'll go on to Nagisa, another girl you'll steal away. No, not steal. I see how Nagisa looks at you, how her eyes brighten at the mere mention of you. The same thing happens to you. I miss seeing you happy and smiling, the way you used to be. I miss my Shizuma, the girl who called me a crybaby but still wiped away my tears and held my hand until I stopped. The girl who encouraged me to get anything I wanted by working hard and being dedicated.

I can't stay angry with you. You are my best friend, and I love you more than anyone else in the world. Your antics keep me sane somehow, and being able to stand by you and help you in your time of need is something I could never abandon. I miss Kaori every day. I wonder about what kind of person she would be, if you two would have stayed together, if maybe I had a chance.

I'm overreacting. But it has to be normal. Two years of repressed feelings for my best friend's dead lover would do that. You would never do anything to hurt me, I know that. You may not be as obvious about it, but you love me, and if you did know about my feelings, you wouldn't have kissed me. That's why I believe what you told me as you left my room. A kiss is just a kiss. And yours was only a joke.


End file.
